Alicia Wolfe (00:01.814)
Okay. Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Boldly You podcast. I'm your host, as always, Alicia Wolfe And my guest today is a new to me friend and someone I have found very inspirational since I met her, Ashley Howard. Ashley is a wellness coach and a retreat host. She's also a mom of two and a wife.
And she's an expert in health and fitness and guiding people in their own alcohol-free wellness journey. So Ashley, welcome. I'm super happy to have you on. I'm really grateful that you said yes to this. So thank you for being here.
Ashley Howard (00:47.747)
Oh my gosh, thank you so much for having me, Alicia. I'm really excited.
Alicia Wolfe (00:52.034)
So let's first, I want to tell the audience kind of how we met because it's a little bit of a cool story. And so I was living in Lexington, South Carolina for four months while I was in between travels in Central America and moving to Central America. And while I was in Lexington, I was feeling super lonely and I didn't have any friends. I had my family, which was beautiful, but I was really craving.
female connection and like strong empowering female connection where we could like talk about personal development and the moon and you know, all that kind of stuff. And so I kind of put like a friend ad out on a local Facebook group in Lexington and Ashley responded and said yes, I'd love to I'd love to connect. I'm also looking for friend friendships and connection with women that
are deeper than surface level and are really in the realm of personal development and personal growth. And so we started meeting up and we had get togethers and moon circles and it was such a special connection that we had amongst like 80 other women that joined around the exact same time and started coming to events. So I just feel very lucky to have met you in a really unique way.
Ashley Howard (02:12.091)
Well, and I love that story because I actually heard of the ad that you put out there on Facebook through a friend of mine locally and coming to my first full moon circle, even though I've been on the personal growth journey of my own for 10 years, it felt like I wanted to do this with local women and really deepen my connections with others. So the fact that you had provided this, a friend told me about it. I went to my first full moon circle and it was...
Alicia Wolfe (02:33.258)
Mmm.
Ashley Howard (02:42.651)
So incredibly refreshing to just be around people in person, because most of my business is online. It's virtual. So having you create that space, and if the listeners don't know, you left, I think it was in October, and what you created has lasted. We've had people continue to host Full Moon Circles. We're going to our next one next week. And it's just been really incredible, the impact that one person can have. So I'm thankful to you.
Alicia Wolfe (02:47.564)
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Alicia Wolfe (02:58.626)
You know.
Ashley Howard (03:10.107)
for being bold to put that out there because something you have built has continued on.
Alicia Wolfe (03:10.257)
No.
Alicia Wolfe (03:15.286)
Oh, thank you. I know it makes me so happy to hear that. And listeners, if you're curious a little bit more about this story of this women's group that I launched, but really it just sort of became its own thing. And go back to the episode with Aubrey Keller, because we talk about really how that came to be and how it's evolved and grown. And I'm so humbled by how it has grown. And it just was, it's so clear that
women need women and women need one another and women need support. And if it's not a coach like you or like me, it's a community. And you can get so much benefit by finding or creating your own community. So go back to the episode with Aubrey, everybody, and listen to how you can create your own community of supportive women or men, or whoever you want to create a community with.
Alicia Wolfe (04:10.206)
Okay, Ashley, let me ask you, I want to ask you the question that I ask a lot of my guests, which is, what does it mean to you to live boldly?
Ashley Howard (04:23.663)
Yeah, this is a great question. And getting a little more into my story, it'll make more sense. But to me, living boldly is living authentically. And for me, that journey of this last year of my life has been the journey back to me. Living boldly for me was no longer seeking outward approval and seeking outward acceptance. It was already knowing that I belong and I'm accepted
because I'm me. And where I used to use things to numb myself, to feel accepted, to feel valued, to feel loved, what living boldly means to me is already accepting that I have been perfectly created and I can live from that space.
Alicia Wolfe (05:14.178)
That's so beautiful. And when you think about your story, so let's just get right into it because you've got a really inspiring story I'm excited to learn more about and then also have our listeners learn about. When you think about your own story, how does all of that play into it? Like how does your definition of living boldly play into that?
Ashley Howard (05:35.143)
So my story, I told one story for a very long time. And then the last year, my story has completely transformed my life. And I was hiding an addiction for my entire adult life. I was emotionally dependent on alcohol since I was 19 years old. Meaning that I started drinking as a teenager to feel accepted. I started...
really drinking in college because in my mind that was just what you did. And then that piece of alcohol supporting me, keeping me belonged to a group of people, helping me have fun, deepen my supposed connection with friends and my husband, carried me through my 20s. And then a couple years ago, I started having, after I had my two children, started having these
You know, kind of a back story is about 10 years ago, I opened my own business and really dove into the personal growth and development world and had success. And I was thriving in my business, which was also connected to my health and fitness, but there was always something in the back of my mind. And now I believe it was in my heart and my gut that was telling me that there was something that I had to face.
And so again, a couple of years ago, I started feeling what I call now these nudges of, I'm having the success, but why can't I reach the next level of success or of impact? Why do I feel stuck? I'm healthy, but I don't always feel healthy. Why am I feeling stuck? I'm present with my family, but I don't feel a lot emotionally. Why do I feel that way? I only feel like I belong or I have friends if I'm drinking.
Alicia Wolfe (06:57.491)
Mmm.
Alicia Wolfe (07:10.445)
Mmm.
Ashley Howard (07:24.427)
And I feel that version of myself can connect with them. Why is that? And those questions were scary. And I buried them and buried them and buried them. Until about a year and a half ago, I really started working with a coach to help me heal some things that I had buried from childhood and adolescent years. When I started working through that healing journey, there came a time that I realized that my dependence that I'd had on this substance.
Alicia Wolfe (07:28.856)
and
Ashley Howard (07:54.307)
that was in the eyes of the public perfectly acceptable. I wasn't going to bars at two in the morning. I wasn't drunk on the sidewalk. I was a high-functioning wife and mom that would sit on her couch and drink every night alone. And when I finally healed, I knew that was the last piece that needed to be removed so that I could live this next level of my life. So 13 months ago, I...
Alicia Wolfe (08:04.961)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Howard (08:21.007)
did not have a rock bottom moment. I was sitting on the couch with my husband and started crying. And up until that point, I wasn't a very emotional person because of years of numbing myself. And I simply told him, I want to stop drinking and I want to stop drinking for good. So there's a term for it called spontaneous sobriety. And that's what I experienced on January 8th of 2023.
and immediately dove into books that helped educate me around alcohol and what it does. I started a support group for other people on similar journeys, but over this last year, that's really been my arc of my existence, has been numbing for most of my life, hitting a breaking point, doing the healing work, and now at 36 years old, feeling like I get to experience this new outlook on life, and to me, living boldly.
Alicia Wolfe (08:55.9)
No.
Alicia Wolfe (09:03.337)
and
Ashley Howard (09:14.967)
is living from this space of not numbing myself with something that I had numbed with for 15 years. And in a nutshell, that's kind of my story. And it feels like I'm a new version of me. And I just cannot believe the amount of transformation that I've experienced in one year.
Alicia Wolfe (09:36.194)
Wow. Congratulations on 13 months. That's incredible. Like, I'm sure you have taken the time to really sort of bask in that and really let that, the profoundness of that miles, mile marker that milestone. Set into you, you know, like really.
acknowledging and honoring what a transformation, what a beautiful success story that is and knowing that it wasn't just this like, I mean, spontaneous sobriety, I love that term, but I know that it also just wasn't like, I'm just not gonna drink. There was so much work that went on behind the scenes and kind of underground and everything that led you to that.
Yeah, really incredible milestones. So congratulations on that.
Ashley Howard (10:37.727)
Yeah, it's been, when I say transformational, I don't say that lightly because I had only known one way of living for so long. And now I know this completely new way. And so I love to share and talk about it because, we all have our thing. And for me, it was alcohol and I knew it and I could feel it in my gut every time I thought about it. So living without it is almost like getting to know me on
Alicia Wolfe (10:44.334)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Howard (11:06.919)
such a deeper level, I think that has given me so much more confidence in who I am as a person. It's like the secret is out, the secret has been shared, and the amount of support that has flooded in has been absolutely incredible.
Alicia Wolfe (11:23.562)
I have no doubt. I have no doubt. And you know, it's Brene Brown who says like, shame's worst enemy is like sharing it out loud. Like shame can't exist when we start sharing our stories. And for so many of us, we have these things that we are ashamed of, or we keep quiet. And maybe it's not alcohol, but we've all got a version of it. And I'd love to talk more about that with you. But
When we start speaking it out loud and we start sharing our story with others and just even with ourselves, we start speaking it out loud. The shame starts to go away and the cotton that creates more space for confidence and self-love.
Alicia Wolfe (12:05.79)
Wow. So I want to, you said two things that I like glommed onto. Tell, first I want to ask like say more about the desire to feel accepted and belonged. You said that your addiction or alcohol was really driven by this desire to feel accepted and keeping you belong, belonged, belonging, belonged.
keeping you belonged. Say more about that. Like why do you feel, well first of all, why do you feel like you felt like you needed that? I mean human belonging is very not like normal, but like I'd love to just hear sort of your own experience with that and then why was alcohol an aid in that?
Ashley Howard (12:57.123)
I think it all goes back to like most things back to me as a younger version of myself. Part of the healing work that I did was really digging into when did this start. And for me, it was high school. It was growing up in a wealthy school district area with a single mom who
Alicia Wolfe (13:09.987)
Mm.
Ashley Howard (13:20.311)
was barely a making ends meet and I wasn't the most athletic. And in my mind, I wasn't the prettiest and I wasn't, I didn't have the nice cars and the brand name clothes. But what I would be accepted was usually in an environment where we were drinking in someone's basement or drinking after a football game. And it started very young, knowing that I might not have these things going for me in my 16 year old brain.
But if I can drink, I could be a version of me that might be a little more accepted and they could look past the pieces that I don't have. And that was huge. And that led to years of shame that I carried from ages 18 to 23 of not respecting my body, not treating myself well, all fueled by alcohol in certain situations I would never be in if alcohol wasn't involved.
Alicia Wolfe (13:57.93)
Wow.
Alicia Wolfe (14:11.7)
Okay.
Ashley Howard (14:19.715)
But to me, it was always that sense of you're almost enough, but if you drink, you might actually be enough. And it wasn't until I did all this work that I truly realized it was just because I didn't feel accepted. I had a great mother who also didn't know how to have important conversations with me about respecting myself and...
Alicia Wolfe (14:27.415)
Wow.
Ashley Howard (14:42.171)
questions that I will certainly ask my daughter as she grows up, but I didn't have that safe environment to communicate, so I tried my best to find it myself, and that's where I found it. And so even in my 20s, even getting married, even becoming a first-time mom and a second-time mom, I was always looking to be accepted. I valued myself based on how many social events am I invited to? Who am I in pictures with? Am I invited? Am I included? And
Alicia Wolfe (14:52.663)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Howard (15:11.879)
more than likely those events were drinking events. So it was always this, I came back to it time and again. It was like, you were accepted and alcohol is present. You have fun and alcohol is present. You can forget your stress for a little while and alcohol is present. And so to circle it back, it was just me as the 16 year old just trying to make her way in the world. And I'm a millennial, I'm in my mid thirties. Our culture was obsessed with alcohol.
Alicia Wolfe (15:16.139)
Uh huh.
Alicia Wolfe (15:25.673)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Howard (15:41.143)
And so there wasn't even a doubt in my mind that if I was going to be accepted, that's what I was going to do. And I was happy to do it for years until it finally didn't fit anymore.
Alicia Wolfe (15:41.314)
Yeah.
Alicia Wolfe (15:51.222)
Wow, you speak so beautifully and in so many ways, I think our listeners are gonna be able to relate to elements of your story and probably think back to their own high school experience because likely most of my listeners are millennial women as well. And think like, yeah, there were definitely moments where I felt the same and maybe still do in a sense. This idea of like, you're almost enough
But when you're accepted or when you're able to have fun and when you forget the stress or you wanna reduce your anxiety, there's a crutch. There's something that you could go to rather than actually like dealing with those things head on and doing the hard work to really get to self-acceptance and to release your stress or at least learn to manage it and to have fun in an authentic way, you gotta do that hard work. You gotta do the...
the deep self-inquiry work to know yourself and to love yourself. Yeah, it's all so profound and so relatable. And I'm curious, you spoke to about the nudges, like after having kids, the nudges that you started to get, say a little bit more about that. Like what did that look and feel and sound like?
to have the nudge of maybe it's time to start exploring this. Like something's just not right. There's something here I have to face. What does it feel like for you?
Ashley Howard (17:30.267)
physically, it felt like clenching in my solar plexus. You know, like the core of me. It physically felt like that. And I was really good at burying it. I was really good at justifying what I did and why I was doing it. I was really good at seeking out advice from people that loved drinking. And so they would talk me off the ledge when I would...
Alicia Wolfe (17:38.115)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Howard (17:59.827)
have finally have the courage to say, I don't know. They're like, fine. But I couldn't escape the nudges. And when I'd started to feel them, every so often, this wasn't a regular thing. But it's like when you're quiet and you hear that voice and you can call it whatever you want to call it. But to me, it was true, honest guidance. And I didn't like the answer. But I would continue to feel that.
gut wrenching feeling, whether it was at three o'clock in the morning after a Friday night with girlfriends and I had forgotten what I had said and was so embarrassed and would just play it out in my mind, whether it was a Saturday afternoon and I realized Ashley you're planning your weekend with your young children around going to a brewery and calling it family time. You're always planning your activities around socially acceptable ways to drink.
Alicia Wolfe (18:39.722)
Thank you.
Alicia Wolfe (18:52.715)
Yeah.
Ashley Howard (18:57.995)
you're planning and my husband who's not a drinker, I was justifying ways to always have alcohol in the house. And it was after that, grabbing that bottle of wine at the grocery store, waking up at 3 in the morning, walking into church and wondering, I wonder if I've ever been here not hungover. Those were the nudges that I felt. And finally, beautifully.
led up to one night making a one-time decision that would forever change my life. You know, I was just listening to something this morning from a mentor of mine that says, people make decisions seemingly immediately. That we can just decide, right? We can decide one day that we can live life differently. Decisions don't have to be these gradual things. Decisions can happen in a moment.
So for me, for the role that alcohol played in my life, I listened to that final nudge, I made a decision, and my life has never been the same. But physically, that was a feeling, and mentally, it was turmoil, because I knew that I was a great wife and great mom and great businesswoman, and the most hardworking person you probably know. But I was hiding this piece of me, and I knew it needed to be addressed, and that's why I got really good at burying the nudges until I simply couldn't.
Alicia Wolfe (20:19.839)
Hmm
Ashley Howard (20:20.312)
or didn't want to anymore.
Alicia Wolfe (20:24.358)
Wow. Hiding the pieces that you didn't want to address, that is really powerful. And while you were sharing about sort of what those nudges felt like, the part that I connected with or that I can relate to was like when you would wake up at three in the morning and that anxiety and the stories would sort of pop into your head and you would ruminate. And so...
you know, you kept, you just got really good at bearing it, or you would fill that with alcohol, right? I don't have, alcohol is not my vice. I'm not completely sober, although I am sober curious. And maybe we, if we have time, we can talk about that too. Cause I think maybe a lot of other people are, especially younger people. I think they're just so much more health conscious than we were. But if I wake up in the middle of the night and something pops in my head, their stress, their anxiety,
I'll immediately grab my phone and I'll just like, and even if it's like reading a book, you know, like it's just something to distract myself from the thing I actually know I need to deal with. And I'm curious.
Alicia Wolfe (21:36.834)
What's the question I want to ask? I'm curious, like what advice would you give to me or to our listeners who want to explore their vices, their numbing agents, their distraction things? Like what advice would you give to people? Because we all have them. We have some version of them, whether it's phone, Instagram, food, sugar.
exercise, all these things that maybe look healthy or are accepted, but really they're an avoidance behavior to dealing with the thing you really need to deal with. What advice would you give to listeners who are maybe hearing your story and hearing my reflection and saying, I think I have something there?
Ashley Howard (22:34.595)
You know, you're so right, we all have our thing. And we were speaking before about how after I stopped drinking, I started eating a lot of sugar and a lot of dessert, and that became my new thing. And we all have our thing. And so for me, it's hard to give a blanket statement, because I think for some things like alcohol, sugar, something that in excess is not great.
An easier answer would be, could you cut it out for 30 days? And even just saying that, how does that give you anxiety? Now, if it's something that we deem healthy, like exercise, sure, you don't maybe not cut it out for 30 days. But what are your boundaries around it? Why are you exercising? Are you exercising to feel good and have energy and run around with your friends and family? Or are you exercising to go jump on the scale and note
Alicia Wolfe (23:11.81)
Mmm.
Ashley Howard (23:31.651)
every ounce that you gain or lose. So I think I always tell people that awareness is progress. So if you have awareness around, I think this might be my thing. I think it's my online shop at midnight when I can't fall asleep. I can't stop eating sugar. I am drinking. I'm smoking weed. I'm taking gummies. It's whatever it is. How does it feel in your body if you were asked to stop for 30 days? Because if that were me pre-stopping drinking,
Alicia Wolfe (23:34.654)
Mmm.
Ashley Howard (24:01.971)
my anxiety would be through the roof. And I even tried. A couple times before I stopped for good, I tried for 30 days and it was this white knuckle. I did it because I said I was gonna do it, but on day 31, it was all over. Whereas what it is now is changing, truly changing my subconscious around that behavior. I got to a point where I saw, for example, alcohol exactly in front of me.
Alicia Wolfe (24:04.684)
Okay.
Alicia Wolfe (24:11.828)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Howard (24:27.963)
for what it was, which was not this elixir of life and belongingness. It was taking so much more than it was giving. So that's, my advice is the 30 day rule. And if it's cannot do that for 30 days, what are your boundaries and what's your awareness around your thing? And can you increase the awareness around what you think might be your thing?
Alicia Wolfe (24:49.366)
That is such sage wisdom and sage advice. Can you give it up for 30 days? So listeners, if you're reflecting while you're listening to Ashley and to I speak about the different vices that we both have or have had, and you're thinking, okay, mine is...
Instagram, mindless scrolling or mine is online shopping or it could be anything. Mine is just being on my phone. Could you give it up for 30 days? And if you physically can't, maybe I can't give up my phone for 30 days, but what boundaries can I put in place? Maybe I don't keep it by my bed. So it isn't an easy grab to grab my phone.
at three in the morning when I'm like, I actually don't want to think about that thing I have to do right now. So I'm going to mindlessly scroll Apple news or whatever, you know? Um, and then the question that really stood out to me is why are you doing. XYZ like, why are you doing the thing? And there's probably some lead journal practices that you could implement around that. Like, why am I spending time on my phone so much or why, you know, in the middle of the night or.
Why am I drinking or why am I working out in excess or why am I filling my body with things that I know I shouldn't be doing but I can't seem to stop doing it? So just why and asking that question, for me I'm already starting to reflect in my own mind about my practices.
Ashley Howard (26:33.027)
Yeah. And again, it's hard because there's not always a clear answer. But I think if you're going to take something away from this is what's your awareness around it, then are you willing to sit with that or do you push it to the side and pick up a new distraction?
Alicia Wolfe (26:39.359)
Yeah.
Alicia Wolfe (26:49.614)
Are you willing to sit with this? What's your awareness and are you willing to sit with this? Yeah, such profound questions for listeners to reflect on. I would love to ask you this question. What did sobriety cost you, Ashley? And what did you gain?
Ashley Howard (27:13.507)
good one and I know my answer because it did cost me a good bit of my social life. I get a lot of questions about that and I want to be clear it is not because when I stopped drinking that the friends I do have here that I spent time with all of a sudden excluded me. That's not what happened. When I stopped drinking I stopped feeling this need to be socially accepted as much as I
And I genuinely wanted to be home more. And I tell my friends and my support community, I want to get more social. I'm a year sober. I feel very strong and confident. But in this last year, I never felt like I was missing out. So it did cost me nights with women that I used to spend drinking and going to dinner and honestly having conversation that didn't really build me up, it kind of drained me. It cost me that.
Alicia Wolfe (27:46.977)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Howard (28:16.516)
It cost me the wall that I always protected, that piece of myself. So when I went on my social media about 45 days after I stopped drinking and told the honest reason of why I had stopped drinking and really shared that piece of me, it cost me the secret that I thought was protecting me.
Alicia Wolfe (28:21.195)
Yeah.
Ashley Howard (28:41.391)
because people now saw me for who I was, which was someone who was flawed, because I had always built myself up to be the person that had it all figured out. So it cost me that. And that was, I have had a business online for 11 years, and that was the hardest thing I ever shared. And on the flip side, once I kept sharing my journey,
Alicia Wolfe (28:55.19)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Howard (29:08.667)
thousands upon thousands of people found me on Instagram, which I was not expecting. My messages, there was a point when I couldn't keep up with my messages of people saying, thank you for sharing this, you're describing me, or you're describing my sister, or you're describing my spouse. And that spurred me to create a support group where we could simply support and encourage each other. So it did cost me some social.
Alicia Wolfe (29:21.08)
and
Ashley Howard (29:36.427)
events and a social calendar. And it did cost me that secret that I held dear that I thought was the missing puzzle piece. But when I pulled that piece out, everything else came together. There is true power and vulnerability, and I'm not going to pretend it's easy. And I did get some comments and I did get some feedback that I didn't love. But the amount of people that connected with my story that I have been able to help just through sharing my story, I would do it.
Alicia Wolfe (29:57.594)
Mmm.
Ashley Howard (30:05.117)
over and over again and I have.
Alicia Wolfe (30:07.818)
Yeah. You're really, um, beautifully open about your, your journey with alcohol, but also your ongoing, you know, like, Oh, really like slipped off, you know, my routine yesterday. And instead of beating myself up, I'm just recommitting to get in bed. Like, you're just really honest about like the messiness of life. And in a world where the highlight
people can't separate the highlight reels from reality. It's really beautiful to see your openness and I'm sure that it's driven through your experience of people feeling connected and supported from when you shared your 45 day, after you chose to go sober, like your 45 day sort of announcement or share, public share and...
I bet that's contagious. I bet it's like almost like this flywheel of like, as soon as you start sharing, the more you share, the easier it gets because you know people are gonna connect to it.
Ashley Howard (31:13.319)
Totally. And I would say that's the only way that I found meaningful connection online was being myself. I'm so fortunate to witness two of my friends that I met on Instagram have their spontaneous sobriety date and change their entire life these last four and five months because they saw something that resonated with me in their story. And they decided, too, to make this.
snap of the finger decision and have support. And I don't think there's something that I could feel more rewarded by putting myself out there, if not to see someone else change their life through my sharing. So it cost me my own.
Alicia Wolfe (31:56.811)
Yeah.
Ashley Howard (32:03.372)
It cost me...
my own limiting beliefs because I had to just put myself out there. And that was really, really scary. And I, I had to spend more time alone and I had to spend more time at home as I was healing. But what had came back to me one year later is now developing these true deep friendships with people that are on a similar path to me. And now being able to move forward when I do step out a little more socially, when I do get back into
spending time with people in person, because I think that really is important. It's from a place of, I don't need to be accepted. I just genuinely wanna be around some human beings right now. So that's the biggest, that's what I had gained, lost, but also what I had gained.
Alicia Wolfe (32:47.327)
Yeah.
Alicia Wolfe (32:53.426)
Yeah. It's really beautiful. It's beautiful to hear you speak about, you know, wanting to be home more. Because my guess is that you didn't want to be home more and you did fill your calendar with social engagements. Because when you were home, it was like all those things that you needed to deal with, or you maybe didn't even know you needed to deal with, or you did. They were more present. Whereas if you were out and about and socializing and filling your calendar and
drinking or maybe even not drinking, but it just it was a distraction from what really needed to be dealt with. And so now to hear you say, I genuinely love being at home and I love being with just my family and I love being by myself. And that I'm comfortable in my own skin and that my self-acceptance isn't reliant on external people or things or images or perfectionism or all the things that we're all plagued with in some degree.
It's just really, I'm just so proud of you and I'm so happy for you that you have that level of self-love and self-acceptance now and you're just comfortable in your skin and I can feel it.
Ashley Howard (34:02.727)
Thank you. And having, you know, I have a daughter and a son. And so my daughter is, I have her in mind with everything that I do because I know how it felt to grow up, not having, not feeling like I was enough and not feeling like I was accepted and doing things that I later deeply regretted trying to fit in. So every time I do step boldly and share and do what's best for me and be comfortable with myself. I know that...
I'm changing a legacy for my children, specifically my daughter, and that will always be my why.
Alicia Wolfe (34:38.158)
That's so beautiful. And when we can make things bigger than just ourselves, if we can make our why or our purpose bigger than just the impact it's going to have on you, when you can make it about the community that you're going to support, the modeling you're giving to your daughter, the representation you're providing for other people who need to hear your message.
It doesn't maybe become easier, but it makes the hard part of like putting it out there and doing the thing. It just makes it bigger. It makes it, I don't know, I just keep envisioning like a snowball that's like getting bigger and bigger, the more people it's impacting and it becomes more powerful.
Alicia Wolfe (35:27.446)
So what would you offer then? So like, okay, we'll use me as the example of like my phone and having, you know, being on my phone more than I would like to be, which I'll be honest, it really isn't that much, but it's still, I know that it's a default, even when I'm around my children or in the middle of the night, like I was saying, I'll just grab it because it's there and it's easy. And it's almost like my freaking hand has like conditioned the muscle memory, but I don't think I need to go on like.
Facebook and be like, I'm giving up my phone. That's maybe not a version, but what other advice would you offer to me in that scenario, to share that and to maybe share it with people in my life to hold me lovingly accountable? What advice would you give to me as someone who really does want to commit to...
Alicia Wolfe (36:16.794)
releasing the thing I know as the vice or putting boundaries up the thing I know as sort of the vice.
Ashley Howard (36:24.591)
Well, I think specifically, I'll speak specifically to the phone piece, because I think that affects a lot of us too, but I would say first, what you just said with asking for accountability. I really believe that I would not be sober as quickly as I had become and walked away from alcohol completely if I hadn't reached out to my husband, who I know I could trust, who I know supported me. Immediately that night, got everything out of the house. That was a temptation. He was just.
Alicia Wolfe (36:35.996)
and
Alicia Wolfe (36:44.706)
Hmm.
Ashley Howard (36:53.751)
immediate support. So I think whatever your thing is to have someone that you deeply trust, and if you don't, that's kind of a nudge to find some people that you can feel safe with. I think that's really important. But talking to those people and saying, hey, this is something I want to do. Here's what support would look like. Would you be willing to be my support system over the next, again, 30 days, if we can start there?
Alicia Wolfe (37:00.533)
Hmm.
Alicia Wolfe (37:20.078)
Thank you.
Ashley Howard (37:21.487)
So I think that is huge. We're not meant to do these things alone. And the second piece, and I think a lot of people struggle, I do too, it's so easy to pick up a phone and especially you and I, we have businesses that we run online. There's always a reason we could be checking things. So for me personally, with my phone, I have zero pop-up notifications for social media. Absolutely nothing pops up on my phone. So I'm never distracted by...
Alicia Wolfe (37:25.399)
Yeah.
Alicia Wolfe (37:45.959)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Howard (37:49.967)
the Instagram number or the Facebook number. I don't have email pop up. The only thing I get is text messages. Having do not disturb on your phone from 9 p.m. to 7 a.m. I'm on do not disturb. And I think the biggest thing is just, again, it's the awareness of, okay, if from three to 5 p.m. every day, I'm gonna be with my kids, my phone is actually in the other room and I don't need to check it. It's like we, with alcohol and with phones in general,
Alicia Wolfe (37:52.941)
Yeah.
Alicia Wolfe (38:02.818)
Yeah.
Ashley Howard (38:18.539)
It's been conditioned to get us addicted. We've been conditioned. There are people that create phones that say, how can we make this more addictive? So first off, it's not your fault. But if you want to change it, it is your responsibility. And what does that responsibility look like for you, for your thing? So recapping, it's the 30-day, I would suggest the 30-day timeline, having a support system, and what does it actually look like?
Alicia Wolfe (38:22.923)
No.
Alicia Wolfe (38:30.489)
Hmm.
Alicia Wolfe (38:43.743)
Yeah.
Alicia Wolfe (38:48.394)
That's so great. Oh my gosh. When you said it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to do something about it, I got full body chills. Like yes, it's not our fault. Like you're right. We're in a society that encourages and promotes addiction to sugar, alcohol, phones, whatever it is. And even to say, even when you said it's not your fault, I was like, thank you.
It's not that like takes away the accountability and the responsibility. And, but they're, yeah, thank you for gifting me and listeners with that acknowledgement that it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to explore what that could look like. So asking for accountability, I already, I, my, my family's not in my house right now, but when they get home, I'm going to share with them, even my kids, like, this is really what I want.
my relationship with my phone to look like. I wanna like create a box that like my husband and I can like put our phones in like for certain hours of the day, you know, when we really wanna connect deeply with our parent, with our children and with one another and giving my kids permission to sort of say, and call me out and hold me lovingly accountable to something that's important to me but is important to us as a family too. Oh, they're gonna love that. They're gonna love the ability to say,
You promised, you know, so yeah, thank you for that reminder to ask for loving accountability from people that you can trust and giving them the answers to the test of what support would look like, you know? And that's such a gift to give people in your life. It just is a connection builder.
Ashley Howard (40:36.027)
Yeah, absolutely.
Alicia Wolfe (40:36.127)
Wow.
So for you, Ashley, this is just a question that I've got for your own journey. When did when does I don't know you tell me what the right question to ask is. But when did sobriety get easier?
Because I'm sure it was not easy for those. I mean, you didn't just decide, and on day one it was a piece of cake. I know that you put some things in place to make it easier, but I'm sure emotionally and spiritually and psychologically and even physically it wasn't easy.
Ashley Howard (41:11.951)
I will say this came to me in a book I'm reading, but the anticipation of it to me was more tumultuous than after I stopped. And what I mean by that is the nudges, the questioning, the bargaining with myself, the, do I have a problem? Am I an alcoholic? What does that look like? Did I say something? Did I do something?
Alicia Wolfe (41:25.339)
Uh-huh.
Ashley Howard (41:36.343)
That was torture to me for my entire adult life minus my two pregnancies. I was always drinking. So when I did stop, it was scary because I hadn't known a life without it. But I would say almost, almost a piece of instant relief knowing I don't have to deal with the shame anymore. And then I would say specifically, two months after I stopped drinking, I went on my first vacation.
Alicia Wolfe (41:44.808)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Howard (42:06.211)
alcohol free. We went to Mexico, I took my sister, and to me that trip two months in was when I actually realized I could have fun without it. And not only could I have fun without it, I didn't have crippling, debilitating anxiety on the flight home because previously after four days of drinking more than normal, my anxiety was through the roof.
Alicia Wolfe (42:17.336)
Mmm.
Ashley Howard (42:29.627)
So I think number one is not having the cognitive dissonance in my brain to say, you should stop drinking. Maybe I'll just have one. Only drink on Fridays. I drank on Monday. For years was so much. And to have that relief of you never have to do that again, and you actually had fun. And I think it was that trip two months in that made me realize you can actually do that. Not only can you actually do this, you're probably going to enjoy the rest of your life a whole lot more.
Alicia Wolfe (42:39.99)
Yeah.
Alicia Wolfe (42:49.138)
Yeah.
Ashley Howard (42:59.767)
I'm fortunate that I really haven't been faced this last year with tons of temptation or cravings and I can honestly say I don't have cravings. What I have is a clear head and a full heart and loving myself because I'm not trying to escape to a different version of myself. So I don't want to come across that first off everyone's journey is unique. It's not that it wasn't hard for me.
Alicia Wolfe (43:11.006)
Hmm.
Ashley Howard (43:26.159)
but there was actually more relief in the recovery than there was fear of what's the rest of my life gonna look like.
Alicia Wolfe (43:26.39)
Mm-hmm.
Alicia Wolfe (43:34.194)
Yeah, wow. Yeah, like the lead up and the build up and the confronting was way worse than the actual decision that you made and everything that happened afterwards.
Alicia Wolfe (43:52.426)
Wow. So what practices during your journey supported you most? Like what routines or what things would you offer and, and specific to you, but also maybe other things that you recommend to your clients that you work with to
Ashley Howard (44:09.427)
To me, this is how I start my day and how I end my day. Anyone that I personally coach, that's something we always talk about. For me, it was meditation and journaling and gratitude and setting intention. And a year later, I still do the exact same thing. My personal morning mantra, my morning routine is I wake up and I exercise. And to me, it's not about my weight. It is about being my strongest self. And that starts with taking care of myself.
And then I meditate and then I do a journal entry. I write down three things I'm grateful for and I set an intention for my day. And then similarly, as I end my day, which used to be my drinking time, when my kids would go to sleep, it was that green light to pour that bottle of wine or pop open that beer. And now it's rediscovering a love of things that I had when I was younger.
And I love to read. I love to read fun books. And I have read probably 30 books this last year just for fun at night when I could get through a chapter or two and do some stretching and get ready for bed. I just truly did not believe previously that there was any way to unwind without my personal vice, which was alcohol. And I had to reprogram that in my mind. So what I suggest to people is, how are you mindfully starting your day? And how are you mindfully ending your day?
And your routine doesn't have to be an hour. It can be five minutes of instead of grabbing your phone and looking at Apple News, maybe it's when you wake up and your feet hit the floor, you do a five minute guided meditation, or you say a prayer for your day, or you write down what you're grateful for. And those tiny shifts could ultimately lead anyone in the direction of more awareness of how they want to live their life.
Alicia Wolfe (45:46.882)
Yeah.
Alicia Wolfe (45:53.806)
Yeah, that's so good. Yeah, I'm envisioning myself tomorrow morning, waking up, my phone's not gonna be in my bedroom. So like waking up, walking out to the kitchen, turning on the kettle for like French press coffee, and rather than grabbing my phone, which would be the thing that I would do, doing exactly that, like thinking or writing down three things I'm grateful and setting an intention for the day and...
I can already feel the levity in my body from like picturing myself doing that.
Thank you. Thank you for that offering.
Ashley Howard (46:27.259)
That sounds awesome.
Alicia Wolfe (46:34.794)
I'd love to ask you sort of two rapid fire questions. And these are just like fun, but also I think will be really beneficial for our listeners as well. So the first one is, what is a book that you'd recommend to listeners and why?
Ashley Howard (46:56.064)
This is a book for someone who is thinking about sobriety from alcohol or just in general.
Alicia Wolfe (47:05.566)
Either one, whatever you think. Like it just, yeah, anything that you think, it could be like a fun, cute book that you've read in the last, you know, one of the 30 books you've read recently, or it can be just something that was really transformational for you. So what is a book you would recommend to listeners and why?
Ashley Howard (47:05.931)
What would you say? Okay.
Ashley Howard (47:26.031)
So the book I'm reading right now, a lot of the ideas that I even spoke about in this podcast are from that. It's by an author. I read her first book, which is called, "'We Are the Luckiest, The Surprising Secret to a Sober Life' by Laura McCowen. Her second book is called, "'Push Off from Here, Nine Essential Truths to Get You Through Sobriety and Everything Else' by Laura McCowen. And what I love about that is her thing was alcohol like mine, but she does a really great job of referencing whatever your thing is.
Here are nine truths that you can use to work through and get awareness. So this has just been, already I'm reading it with my support group and it's such an incredible book, highly recommend. For fun, I am basic and I like anything by Colleen Hoover. She's such a fun fiction writer, but I would say Laura McHowen's book right now has been really powerful for me.
Alicia Wolfe (48:20.91)
Okay, we'll link that in the show notes so people can easily find it because yes, especially if it's relevant for just any kind of addiction or all kinds of vices, I think could be really profound for our listeners. Okay, next question. If you could go back and give your 18 year old self one piece of advice, what would it be?
Ashley Howard (48:48.743)
Oh my gosh, so many things. How do I pick just one? The first thing that came to mind is, don't worry so much about what you think other people think of you. Most people aren't thinking of you at all. They're thinking of themselves. When you're 18, you think everything revolves around, how am I perceived? How do I fit in? What's my status in the world? And the older I get, the more I realize, most people weren't even thinking of me. They were worrying about them.
Alicia Wolfe (49:19.347)
That's right. It's so liberating to realize that. And it's also hard to believe, you know? So don't worry so much about what you think other people think about you. Thank you for that.
Ashley, thank you so much. Thank you for your vulnerability and your courage and your valuable insights. Ashley, like I said, during our conversation, she shares so beautifully and openly about her journey, her struggles, her challenges, her success stories. So give her a follow and check her out if it feels like it would be supportive to you. And thank you for coming on today and sharing all these beautiful things. I have so many.
nuggets of wisdom I'm going to implement and I'm going to text you and let you know how they go. You can hold me lovingly accountable.
Ashley Howard (50:15.275)
I will hold you lovingly accountable. And thank you, Alicia. Thank you for what you've created that I still get to benefit from. You may have physically left, but your presence is felt. And just knowing that never underestimating the impact that we can make on other people, you're a living example of that. And you're an inspiration to me. So I wanna thank you as well.
Alicia Wolfe (50:34.478)
Thank you for saying that. Thank you. Okay, take care. And I'm gonna hit, I'm gonna stop hitting, I'm gonna hit stop, but we're gonna, we're gonna keep talking for one second.
Ashley Howard (50:44.295)
Okay.
