From Complaint to Commitment

I am coming to you today from a hilltop overlooking Lago Arenal in Costa Rica. It’s breezy and overcast here, but the sun peaks through every so often. I’m wearing the only pants and sweater that I packed with me for probably the 10th day in a row.

I learned that 6% of the world’s biodiversity is in Costa Rica, which is pretty incredible for a country the size of West Virginia or Denmark. The climate at the lake is definitely a stark contrast to the beautiful jungly beach environment we came from where we wore swimsuits and linen every single day and spent each day swimming in the ocean and soaking in Vitamin D.

I’ve found myself complaining about the weather here… a lot. And then I feel guilty or judgmental of myself for complaining because, “how could anyone complain about something ridiculous?” It’s a reaction cycle I’m not here for…

But you know what? Our complaints can actually be SO helpful! Complaining shows us what we really care about. There is power in a complaint because what we are committed to is embedded in those complaints. People only complain about things they care about. I don’t complain about the traffic in Seattle anymore because, I don’t live there anymore, so I don’t care about it.

Our commitments are always stronger than our worry, anger, doubt or frustration. Staying in a complaint spiral is wasted energy. I’m not advocating for never complaining or shaming people around you for complaining. But it’s our job as self-leaders to listen for the commitment within the complaints, whether our own or those of others.

Next time you hear yourself complain, either out loud or in your head, pause.

• Thank yourself for showing what you care about.

• Ask yourself, “What’s my commitment behind this complaint?”

• Then ask yourself, “What is my responsibility? What choice can I make? Is there an action I can take?”

Underneath my complaint about the weather here, I can hear my commitment to fun, adventure and ease. I can acknowledge that I am comparing something that is to something that was and make a new choice to embrace adventure and fun in a new setting. I can choose ease. And not every commitment needs to have an action. The action can simply be to state or remember your commitment. By simply stating: “I am committed to fun, adventure, and ease,” there is an energy shift - a levity and a grounding that I feel in my body. If you need support identifying a commitment, I’ve found that my vision, goals and declarations can be a beautiful reminder.

When someone in your life is in complaint about something, remember that a complaint is often the highest form a person knows how to raise an issue. They may not have the skills to bring it up in other ways. You as a leader can:

• Thank them for complaining because now you know what really matters to them.

• Ask them, “What are you committed to? What would you like to do about that? Do you have a request? Would you like to get into action about that?”

• Let them discover for themselves what really matters to them.

In my experience, this self-leadership tool can be applied in every area of life. With colleagues, in families, and as a mother of 2 young kids who can’t fully articulate what their committed to, I have to do a bit of the heavy lifting, but I’ve found that even being in conversation about commitment, choice and responsibility with my kids shifts their attitudes pretty quickly.